Kae-dizzle

Why I want to be a Vet

2008-04-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

So the Vet School Application officially opens on June 4th, which isn't far away. And I'm taking my GRE on June 27th, which also isn't far away. As the stress of finals has come, I started thinking into the future. With the main question being "Am I good enough?" Are my grades high enough, do I have enough experience, will I get passed that first step... Will I get accepted?

I also realized that it's time to start thinking about my personal statement. In thinking about that, I've asked myself why I want to be a Vet. The answer has always been simple. I remember April of 2005. That's when I realized why I was put on this Earth and from that month forward, my life has been surrounded around this goal. April 2005 was very simply the day that my dog's liver exploded. Not what you expected? Me neither.

There was a 10% chance of him living. I remember my dad answered the phone when the surgeon called and he immediately started crying. Before telling me, I knew what had happened. He was gone. But when my dad came into the room to tell me that he was in recovery, I was not only shocked but more thankful than ever.

Why do I want to be a vet?
I know that without a doubt I was placed on this earth to make a difference in the world through animals. My reason for living and breathing is to make that difference. I'm going to be the best vet to graduate from Michigan State's Vet School. Students in Vet School one hundred years from now will be writing my name on the blackboard and looking up to me. I know that without a doubt God placed me on this Earth to do this and only this. I have a connection with animals that far surpassed anyone's I have ever met. I want to be that person that gets to call people, with the amazing news that their dog, which was expected to die, lived because of me and only me.

People become vets because they like animals. Because the field is in demand. Because they get a Dr. in front of their name. I'm becoming a vet because in every cell of my body and in the deep aspects of my soul, I know one hundred percent that this is my purpose. I'm sitting here, just waiting for the future to hit so I can be the person I'm meant to be.

I'm going to be the best vet to ever live. I just have to get into vet school first.

Fly Away

2008-03-18T19:05:00.001-07:00

Death is around us everyday of our lives; whether on the news or movie, the passing of a loved one, or dogs getting put to sleep in my case.
Today I went to an amazing funeral for an amazing man that I wish I had the opportunity to spend more time with. We weren't related and we weren't even friends. But I care so deeply for the people that he loved that I felt we had a connection far beyond a simple relationship.
Today the funeral wasn't about mouring a death but celebrating the resurrection of the spirit. With Easter coming up soon, I realized that life is the dark place, that it's suppose to be. God casted out Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden and sent him here, on earth. Separating them from a direct relationship with God. Instead, he sent his son to renew that direct connection.
God gives you great opportunity to enjoy life. To love with all your heart. To share your experiences and create memories. But in those trying times, in the sad, drowning days, remember that this is the dark place and someday, God will bring us to rest next to him. Until then, do your best because for God, your best is good enough.

ohhh...

2008-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

So I just stabbed myself in the eyeball with a mechanical pencil. Don't ask me how but it really really hurt. I'm hoping that I didn't hurt anything that I may need later in life. I'm hoping I just punctured a hole in my contact. I guess time will tell if I go blind or not.

Spring Break is officially over and my life has become stressful all over again. Classes are impossible this semester but break definitely revitalized me so hopefully I do well on my orgo quiz on Friday.

My sister found my guinea pig dead today. I don't really care about the guinea pig. I'm just worried that my sister found something dead. I feel really bad for her. Rip Tiger.

Life is going pretty well I suppose. Besides my poor eyeball.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

2008-02-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

For once in my life, I felt like everything had fallen into palce. I felt like I was comfortable with my being, my friends, my family, the decisions I made, and the life I was living. Life, for just one instant, become so simple and so clear. I felt like it was a miracle or a blessing or something to push me through the hard days. But then life complicates itself.

I felt like something huge is about to happen in my life. I finally met someone that can change the person I am for the better. Not that that hasn't happened before but this is different. I don't care one bit if it becomes more than that. To meet someone that you look up to in such a huge way is a great thing to have in life. and I dont want to lose that.

But now that this has happened, I have to deal with the fallout of the rest of it. I feel guility, like I'm hurting a friend in the process of making myself better. I feel like I'm that girl that other girls hate. and on top of that, I can't even share what's going on in my life with the person I want to the most. Why is it that when something great happens people run in the opposite direction? Why can't you just be happy for me and accept the fact that I understand the decisions I've made and support them.

Life is simple. But then we go and complicated it. Why? What is the purpose of screwing it all up?

I've come to a crossroads in life and I feel like important people have fled. But then I realize that the really important people haven't left my side. And those are the people who really matter. I also realize that a new important person in my life has stepped up.

I want to be a better person. This is how I want to do it. I wish you were proud of me.

Life

2008-01-26T20:12:00.000-08:00

So an update on life....

I got a new job at wag'n tails. It just reaffirms my faith in animals and the faith that I have in myself to make a difference. They have the cutest little chug puppy there... a chihuaha/pug puppy named coltrain. the cutest thing i've ever seen. I love my job.

It'll be a year since my grandmother died on monday. a year ago was the last time i ever heard her speak. the last words she ever said to me were "i love you too". I guess those are the best words to leave on. I miss her. Monday is going to be pretty close to the worst day of my life.

I've started a new sleeping pill, which I think is working so that's good. The bad thing is that one of the side effects is a pepper taste in your mouth. so everytime i drink water, it's pretty nasty.

I decided not to do my internship in Colorado this spring break. instead, i'm shadowing a large animal vet for a few days and doing some more surgeries at the vet, probably working too. I'm kind of excited to not have anything planned for that break. I can just go home and snuggle with my koders.

everybody asks about boys. boys are now and always the last thing on my mind. maybe after vet school. maybe never. both are fine by me.

I watch two movies this weekend: juno and cloverfield. Juno was amazing. Cloverfield...not so much. There was way too much movements so I could never really see what was going on. I didn't vomit though so I suppose its a success.

heath ledger died. that's sad.

I'm going bowling tomorrow after work. that should be fun. i'm not sure if i'm going to the bball game though. i guess we'll see.

So life is the same as always...pretty boring. I hope all is well in your life.

Disappointment

2008-01-24T20:30:00.001-08:00

Disappointment.

I do often have disappointments in other people but more so, disappointments in myself. How do you grow to become a better person? I understand that it takes many days, or weeks, or years to grow into the person you want to be, but during the time, it's just a bunch of disappointments after another.

I realized tonight that I am different than other people. I can't put my finger on why but I feel like societal values makes me disappointed in the person that I am and jealous of the people around me. I have accomplished so much in my life and have so many realistic dreams but I feel like there's always something that overshadows all that. That's so powerful... it's like a black rain cloud following me everywhere. I hurt myself through disappointments but I try to blame it on other people because its easier to do so.

I really am trying to grow into a better person but I feel like I'm continually having setbacks. More and more so, I don't see a realistic future for myself at all. I'm scared about growing up and time passing because its at that point, that I have to be mature and really figure out what I want in life, especially out of people. Right now, thinking about that aspect of the future somewhat makes me suicidal. I'm not ready to consider the options of the future but eventually that's involved in growing up.

I feel like I'm alone in this world. Nobody really understands my point of view or the way that I want my life to be. No one really gets the way I feel inside and the hurt I feel for myself. I'm trying to accept the person that I am and trying to become the person that I want to be but I need help and i feel like there's no one there to catch me when I fall. I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time. I feel like my life isn't as important as everyone elses. and I think my friends agree.

Faith

2008-01-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

Faith is a funny thing. It's something that untouchable. It's a silent being inside of you that gives you the strength to be who you are suppose to be. I began to doubt the faith I had in myself and in other people. I began to question the person I was becoming and the people I have surrounded myself with. But at the point where your doubt is the strongest, God gives you a glimpse of what faith really is. He lets you see that even through all your mistakes and faults, you're still a good person. God finds a way to surprise you. He teaches you to open your eyes to the world and the people around you. Faith isn't just about God and believing in something that you can't see or touch. Faith is about believing in people; about believing in yourself. Sometimes, the road gets bumpy and the waves get choppy. But then the sun sets, the water gets calm, and everything is alright. That's the way life is and that's the way life will always be.

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible. --St. Thomas Aquinas

Change

2008-01-12T13:20:00.001-08:00

Change is a difficult thing.... especially for me. But its something that necessary to become the person you are destined to be. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. I need to decide who's important, what's important, and how to juggle the priorities of my life. I feel like in order to become a better person, I have to leave a few people behind. It's not a question of loyalty or trust, it's a question of how much to change and how much to drag my friends along for the ride.
I guess time will tell... it always does.

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

2008.... o dear

2008-01-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

So it's my first post of 2008. I guess it's time to look back on 2007 and figure out what I need to change.

What happened in 2007...

-We got Kodi which is one of the best things that has ever happened.

-But two weeks later, my grandmother died in hospice. I was the only grandchild there when it happened and it changed the way I think of everything. I find myself thinking about her at the strangest time, like when I'm driving up to State. I remember the drive home from state on a Thursday to attend her viewing and funeral. The thoughts that you think of, the way you look at people on the road, wondering what just happened in their lives, if anything. Or I think about her when I'm flipping through the channels and I land on Monk. She loved that show because it made her seem less crazy. It's gotten easier over time but you start to forget the way she laughed, or the way she smelled, or the way she would hug you. I just wish that I could see her for one more day just so I could grab one and give her the biggest hug and never let go. That's what I would do for that entire day.

-I turned 19, nothing special.

-I was promoted at work.

-I officially rented out my first house.

-I passed cell and molecular biology.

I guess that's all I can think of in 2007.

This break, I realized that I live so much in the future, but I also realized that that's okay. My dreams are to become somebody but I have to take baby steps to get there. I just can't wait until I'm like 28, with my two puppies and an amazing job, and a house all too myself. Overall though, I feel happier or at least calmer about life. Sometimes it's stressful, other times its not. I learned to appreciate the times that are simple and learned to breathe during the times that are complicated.

I want my Irish Wolfhound puppy and my Newfoundland at the same time.... and then my bulldog.

Here we go:

This is Luke.

This is Bear

And finally....

This is Punk.

Should we go onto cats..... I think so.

This is Harry, Ronnie, and Hermie. Bengal kittens.... so cute.

So there's my life in the future. I can't wait until I can get my own puppies!

Ex-X-Mas

2007-12-26T18:54:00.001-08:00

This break has been both overwhelming and productive, a surprising pair. I think I've worked a hundred hours, at least it seems, over break. eight of those hours being on christmas day. I finally realized what it's like to be an adult, working eight hour days, running around trying to get everything done. where does the time go?

Tomorrow, I work in the morning, eight to noon, and then the fam and I are going up north until Saturday. I'm not really excited to go up north but I am excited to have a few days off of working. Oh I just can't wait until the pay check.

So Christmas was yesterday and I wish the day had just a few more hours. After working 8-12 and 3-7, all I wanted to do was sleep but the entire family was over and of course, we had to open presents.

I got my dvd camcorder for christmas, which is pretty freakin sweet. I got a few gift cards, a bunch of doggie books, a coach purse from the g-ma, a few movies, some scrubs. It was overall a very nice day.

Although this break has been super busy, I still feel like I've had time to think and attempt to figure things out. I realized that the only ones you can totally rely on in life is family, pets included. To have expectations of others is not productive and usually results in disappointment. All humans have expectations because all humans have needs. I don't believe this is a negative outlook on life... I think it's realisitic and if we could all learn to live this way, life would be much simpler. I guess we just have to trust in ourselves that the right people will come along and the needs and expectations of each other fit together. Until that point, I'll always have my dogs, which are more than enough.

It's 10:04... and I'm going to bed.

Break

2007-12-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

So Christmas break has been pretty good so far. I got grades today and they weren't as good as I expected but there's always next semester, right?

Yesterday, I went to work and did four different surgeries. A neuter + teeth removals, a spay repair, seven growth removals on a miracle dog, and a declaw. I love it! i get to work on the hospital side more this break and I'm so excited.

Being at home over break makes me so happy...especially to spend time with my puppy. He's so much older and so much more wiser. He's the best.

Life seems so much more simpler when at home. There's no friend or boy drama... just sleep, work, and family.

Well I have to work for the next four days straight. The christmas rush has begun and we have 23 cats coming in before Saturday. a bit overwhelming.

six more days until christmas.

Vacation

2007-12-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

So i'm officially done with fall semester 07 and i'm officially one more semester closer to vet school. Although I didn't do as good this semester as I had hoped, I'm still confident and excited to start fresh. But for now, vacation calls my name.

I was driving home from East Lansing today, listening to some amazing tunes. At that same time, as gay as this sounds, the sun was setting and the perfect song was playing and life was peaceful. I felt like I actually had a purpose and although everything is complicated and difficult, God offers you an opportunity to see a small picture of what greatness is.

Then of course, I get stuck in major traffic and I get reminded that sometimes, life just sucks.

Tomorrow I get to do absolutely nothing except go to my aunts house for a party at 7. That means I'm sleeping in until noon with my puppy and watching tv in my pjs and not taking a shower until I necessarily have to. I'm going to find a real good book to read or some real good movies and spend my break relaxing.

I want to say merry christmas. its such a fun holiday, especially to spend with family.

Cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

have a fantastic week.

Exams

2007-12-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is day 1 of exams, which include both physics and biology. o joy. back to back. transcription...translation...glycolysis...

Oh the joy of biology.

So I'm really trying to be more positive in my life and try to think more in the present. I realized that trying to figure out every detail of my life today just increases stress and takes away from the joy and spontaneity of life. I hope that everyone notices the difference that I'm making. I'm going to try and make the biggest difference during Christmas break when I have time to be by myself, without stress controlling every emotion.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to leave the world a better place; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Wake up

2007-12-08T15:40:00.001-08:00

I dont want to spend my life jaded

waiting to wake up one day and find

that I let all these years go by....

Friends

2007-12-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that friends aren't something you put on a "to do" list. You don't list your friends name and put a checkmark after each one when you do something good for them. A friendship is something that needs to work at everyday, similar to a relationship. If you can't do that, you need to decide whether you want a few great friends or a lot of okay friends.
Friendship isn't something that you take for granted. It isn't something you put off until you have nothing else to do. When the world is crashing down, true friends are the ones that are going to be there, no matter what.
Stress shouldn't affect a friendship. Not sleeping shouldn't affect a friendship. Boys shouldn't affect a friendship.
Friendship is simply the acceptance of one person, no matter what their faults. But the fact is, all people judge one another. All people are selfish and want only what's best for them in the end. But when that one friend is in need, can you put that selfishness aside? That's when it really matters.

Although I realized all this, I also realized that I need to start reevaluating the people that I call my friends. And I also need to start reevaluated the type of friend that I am. I think we all need to do that.
Without people, one's life means nothing because there's no one there to share it with.
But sometimes, you have to let friends go.

Simplicity

2007-12-04T19:51:00.001-08:00

Stress brings a complexity to life that is completely unnecessary. I feel like the world is flying by without giving me a chance to pause and look at where I've been and where I'm going. But for life to be simple would mean that life would be boring. So what is the best combination? Simple but boring. Complicated but exciting.

As much as I put a wall up on the things in my life I can't control, I feel like I'm starting to realize that opening up to the opportunities ahead can only be beneficial. I realized that I don't have to sacrifice love for the perfect career. I realized that I don't have to sacrifice a husband to have an Irish Wolfhound. That may be a very weird sentence for some people but not me!

Life isn't always perfect but the imperfection make it a life worth living. Be open to the people who need you. Be willing to be the person that changes someone's life.

I get to go home on Thursday and see my puppies and my sisters! I'm so excited to see her pregnant belly!

This is the calm before the storm.
I hope all is well.

Stressed times a thousand

2007-12-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm just a bit stressed. School is taking over my life and I just feel so anxious inside. I just found out I didn't do so hot on my biology exam which brought me down to a 3.0. I have one test tomorrow, two on tuesday, and a presentation on wednesday... and then finals. I just want this semester to be over with so I can go home, hang with my pups, and work at the vet. I'm finally understand what it's like to be a pre-veterinary student. This is my purpose in life however so I guess I have to do whatever necessary to achieve it.

I miss my puppies.

The more boys I meet....

2007-11-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

So I have a biology verbal final tomorrow but I dont really give a crap.

You know what I really miss.... my dogs, mostly Kodi of course. He is my pride and joy and most people don't understand the unconditional love I feel for him. Of course, I adore my other dogs but there's a connection when you're raising a puppy that's different from the other dogs. I miss him :(.

What a cute doggie.

Now that i'm done obsessing over my dog, which I understand is a bit weird, I'll move on to life.

Today went by unbelievably fast. I'm not too sure why but it did. Now I'm attempting to study the Calvin Cycle and digestion. Not too exciting. I wish life was easy but it's not so I just gotta learn to deal with it.

Have a good one.

Beginning

2007-11-27T20:07:00.000-08:00

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

I wish life was this simple... to have the ability to start fresh and to create an ending that we all imagine. This past week has been a strange but somewhat refreshing one. It started on Wednesday where I had to drink a total of 60 ounces of water before a pelvic ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the technician spent about 5 minutes on the left side, specifically my left ovary. But when she moved the right, she got quiet and started concentrating. She spent approximately a half hour on the right ovary. I started to worry... and then I became calm. And I asked myself the simple question "What if I am sick?" I feel so guilty for thinking the way that I do but part of me wonders what it would be like to be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Everyone waits for the day where the end is in site to make a difference in life so part of me wants those words to come out of the doctors mouth so I can begin to live. Of course, I go back to the realization that my grandmother died of cancer and then I feel incredibly guilty.

Shortly after that however, my mother looked at me and asked me if I had ever been in love. I thought this was the weirdest question to ever come out of someone's mouth, especially my mothers. I understand that it's every mothers dream for their daughter to be married but the question is not a question that most people ask me. I thought about it and my answer was this "it doesn't matter". I don't know why. But it doesn't.

The next day, I got the flu and at that very moment, I realized how stupid I was for wondering what it would be like if I was sick because it really sucks.

People always wait for that moment that changes their life. Why do we have to wait to make our life better? I wish I knew how to accomplish this but I don't. So I'm just commenting about it. Sorry.

I wish I had someone that I could spill all my inner thoughts to. I have those friends that I can devulge the tip of the iceberg to but no one that I can fully trust to not put me in a mental institution. My friends tell me their problems, such as money, boys, grades, friends. I understand the importance of all those things but then I begin to think. All of those topics you can lay out in front of you or write down on a piece of paper in order to figure out. My problems are different and that's why I have a hard time talking about them. My problems are stuck in my mind, where writing them down would just make them worse. Do I continue on this circular path in my mind or do I scream them at the top of my lungs? How many people would I lose in my life if I revealed them all? More people than I can afford to lose?

Life has a beginning and an end. All people understand the beginning but few understand the end. Few people comprehend that the end could be tomorrow. I wish I was one of those people who lived life to the fullest but I always wait until tomorrow. My goal this week is to live life today and for today. If this works, I'll reveal my secret but until then, I have no idea how I'm going to do that.

My list for the rest of the year:

1. Be confident with finals.

2. Make a really good playlist

3. Snuggle with my puppy early in the morning

4. Have a really good talk with a really good friend

5. Figure out a new years resolution

6. Make a difference in one dogs life

7. Write in this blog

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."