Beginning

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

I wish life was this simple... to have the ability to start fresh and to create an ending that we all imagine. This past week has been a strange but somewhat refreshing one. It started on Wednesday where I had to drink a total of 60 ounces of water before a pelvic ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the technician spent about 5 minutes on the left side, specifically my left ovary. But when she moved the right, she got quiet and started concentrating. She spent approximately a half hour on the right ovary. I started to worry... and then I became calm. And I asked myself the simple question "What if I am sick?" I feel so guilty for thinking the way that I do but part of me wonders what it would be like to be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Everyone waits for the day where the end is in site to make a difference in life so part of me wants those words to come out of the doctors mouth so I can begin to live. Of course, I go back to the realization that my grandmother died of cancer and then I feel incredibly guilty.

Shortly after that however, my mother looked at me and asked me if I had ever been in love. I thought this was the weirdest question to ever come out of someone's mouth, especially my mothers. I understand that it's every mothers dream for their daughter to be married but the question is not a question that most people ask me. I thought about it and my answer was this "it doesn't matter". I don't know why. But it doesn't.

The next day, I got the flu and at that very moment, I realized how stupid I was for wondering what it would be like if I was sick because it really sucks.

People always wait for that moment that changes their life. Why do we have to wait to make our life better? I wish I knew how to accomplish this but I don't. So I'm just commenting about it. Sorry.

I wish I had someone that I could spill all my inner thoughts to. I have those friends that I can devulge the tip of the iceberg to but no one that I can fully trust to not put me in a mental institution. My friends tell me their problems, such as money, boys, grades, friends. I understand the importance of all those things but then I begin to think. All of those topics you can lay out in front of you or write down on a piece of paper in order to figure out. My problems are different and that's why I have a hard time talking about them. My problems are stuck in my mind, where writing them down would just make them worse. Do I continue on this circular path in my mind or do I scream them at the top of my lungs? How many people would I lose in my life if I revealed them all? More people than I can afford to lose?

Life has a beginning and an end. All people understand the beginning but few understand the end. Few people comprehend that the end could be tomorrow. I wish I was one of those people who lived life to the fullest but I always wait until tomorrow. My goal this week is to live life today and for today. If this works, I'll reveal my secret but until then, I have no idea how I'm going to do that.

My list for the rest of the year:

1. Be confident with finals.

2. Make a really good playlist

3. Snuggle with my puppy early in the morning

4. Have a really good talk with a really good friend

5. Figure out a new years resolution

6. Make a difference in one dogs life

7. Write in this blog

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."