Life

So an update on life....

I got a new job at wag'n tails. It just reaffirms my faith in animals and the faith that I have in myself to make a difference. They have the cutest little chug puppy there... a chihuaha/pug puppy named coltrain. the cutest thing i've ever seen. I love my job.

It'll be a year since my grandmother died on monday. a year ago was the last time i ever heard her speak. the last words she ever said to me were "i love you too". I guess those are the best words to leave on. I miss her. Monday is going to be pretty close to the worst day of my life.

I've started a new sleeping pill, which I think is working so that's good. The bad thing is that one of the side effects is a pepper taste in your mouth. so everytime i drink water, it's pretty nasty.

I decided not to do my internship in Colorado this spring break. instead, i'm shadowing a large animal vet for a few days and doing some more surgeries at the vet, probably working too. I'm kind of excited to not have anything planned for that break. I can just go home and snuggle with my koders.

everybody asks about boys. boys are now and always the last thing on my mind. maybe after vet school. maybe never. both are fine by me.

I watch two movies this weekend: juno and cloverfield. Juno was amazing. Cloverfield...not so much. There was way too much movements so I could never really see what was going on. I didn't vomit though so I suppose its a success.

heath ledger died. that's sad.

I'm going bowling tomorrow after work. that should be fun. i'm not sure if i'm going to the bball game though. i guess we'll see.

So life is the same as always...pretty boring. I hope all is well in your life.

Disappointment

Disappointment.

I do often have disappointments in other people but more so, disappointments in myself. How do you grow to become a better person? I understand that it takes many days, or weeks, or years to grow into the person you want to be, but during the time, it's just a bunch of disappointments after another.

I realized tonight that I am different than other people. I can't put my finger on why but I feel like societal values makes me disappointed in the person that I am and jealous of the people around me. I have accomplished so much in my life and have so many realistic dreams but I feel like there's always something that overshadows all that. That's so powerful... it's like a black rain cloud following me everywhere. I hurt myself through disappointments but I try to blame it on other people because its easier to do so.

I really am trying to grow into a better person but I feel like I'm continually having setbacks. More and more so, I don't see a realistic future for myself at all. I'm scared about growing up and time passing because its at that point, that I have to be mature and really figure out what I want in life, especially out of people. Right now, thinking about that aspect of the future somewhat makes me suicidal. I'm not ready to consider the options of the future but eventually that's involved in growing up.

I feel like I'm alone in this world. Nobody really understands my point of view or the way that I want my life to be. No one really gets the way I feel inside and the hurt I feel for myself. I'm trying to accept the person that I am and trying to become the person that I want to be but I need help and i feel like there's no one there to catch me when I fall. I feel like I'm a burden. I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time. I feel like my life isn't as important as everyone elses. and I think my friends agree.

Faith

Faith is a funny thing. It's something that untouchable. It's a silent being inside of you that gives you the strength to be who you are suppose to be. I began to doubt the faith I had in myself and in other people. I began to question the person I was becoming and the people I have surrounded myself with. But at the point where your doubt is the strongest, God gives you a glimpse of what faith really is. He lets you see that even through all your mistakes and faults, you're still a good person. God finds a way to surprise you. He teaches you to open your eyes to the world and the people around you. Faith isn't just about God and believing in something that you can't see or touch. Faith is about believing in people; about believing in yourself. Sometimes, the road gets bumpy and the waves get choppy. But then the sun sets, the water gets calm, and everything is alright. That's the way life is and that's the way life will always be.

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible. --St. Thomas Aquinas

Change

Change is a difficult thing.... especially for me. But its something that necessary to become the person you are destined to be. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. I need to decide who's important, what's important, and how to juggle the priorities of my life. I feel like in order to become a better person, I have to leave a few people behind. It's not a question of loyalty or trust, it's a question of how much to change and how much to drag my friends along for the ride.
I guess time will tell... it always does.

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

2008.... o dear

So it's my first post of 2008. I guess it's time to look back on 2007 and figure out what I need to change.

What happened in 2007...

-We got Kodi which is one of the best things that has ever happened.

-But two weeks later, my grandmother died in hospice. I was the only grandchild there when it happened and it changed the way I think of everything. I find myself thinking about her at the strangest time, like when I'm driving up to State. I remember the drive home from state on a Thursday to attend her viewing and funeral. The thoughts that you think of, the way you look at people on the road, wondering what just happened in their lives, if anything. Or I think about her when I'm flipping through the channels and I land on Monk. She loved that show because it made her seem less crazy. It's gotten easier over time but you start to forget the way she laughed, or the way she smelled, or the way she would hug you. I just wish that I could see her for one more day just so I could grab one and give her the biggest hug and never let go. That's what I would do for that entire day.

-I turned 19, nothing special.

-I was promoted at work.

-I officially rented out my first house.

-I passed cell and molecular biology.

I guess that's all I can think of in 2007.

This break, I realized that I live so much in the future, but I also realized that that's okay. My dreams are to become somebody but I have to take baby steps to get there. I just can't wait until I'm like 28, with my two puppies and an amazing job, and a house all too myself. Overall though, I feel happier or at least calmer about life. Sometimes it's stressful, other times its not. I learned to appreciate the times that are simple and learned to breathe during the times that are complicated.

I want my Irish Wolfhound puppy and my Newfoundland at the same time.... and then my bulldog.

Here we go:

This is Luke.

This is Bear

And finally....

This is Punk.

Should we go onto cats..... I think so.

This is Harry, Ronnie, and Hermie. Bengal kittens.... so cute.

So there's my life in the future. I can't wait until I can get my own puppies!